cracked annoyed me again.

Apparently they let just anyone who wanders in off the internet write for cracked now.  This article is pretty bad, I've had discussions with my friends as children that made more coherent arguments, but for the sake of a writing exercise and getting back into the swing of things, I'll rip it apart, for funsies.

Yeah I know, picking apart an article as brainless as "fantasy beasts that wont work in real life according to science" is sort of juvenile, but that's literally what it made me think of, childhood arguments.  So since my inner child apparently has better imagination and more common sense, here we go:

#5: The minotaur.

Firstly I barely even want to acknowledge this one, because his entire argument relies on the minotaur being like a cow, with great peripheral vision but lacking predatory vision, like cows, and then links to an image of a minotaur drawn with binocular vision, like humans, thus negating his entire argument.  Anyways, to quote him, "The minotaur was a monster to be feared: a brutally effective predator, nimbly stalking through his intricate maze prison."  The minotaur wasn't any of those things.  The minotaur was a hulking musclebound brute, an abomination locked away within the labyrinth specifically so it wouldn't escape.  It didn't hunt there, it was fed there.  It overpowered its foes with sheer brute force and strength, y'know, like a bull.  Also the maze wasn't even that intricate.  The labyrinth of crete only had one path in or out, in sort of a spiral design.

#4: Shrunken people.

According to "honey I shrunk the kids," no mass is lost in the process of shrinking, the "empty space between atoms is removed."  So they wouldn't freeze to death, more likely they would superheat, or fuse into some heretofore unknown element.  They'd probably die yeah, but I'm doubting by living long enough to freeze.

#3: Werewolves.

Ugh, just ugh.  This one reads like it was written by someone whose only knowledge of werewolves comes from twilight.  In the traditional werewolf lore you don't become a wolf, you become a were wolf, IE human with the features of a wolf.  There would be no dramatic bone structure change, or any other bodily replacements, just a bunch of new hair in weird places and new hormones.  It's...an allegory for puberty isn't it?  I just now realized it.  Anyways, werewolves don't kill for food, they kill for fun, because they're crazy and angry with no self control or inhibition, y'know, like humans.

#2: The Hippogryph.

Well I sort of have to give him this one, yeah a hippogryph could probably never fly in the real world, that's sort of the point.  It flies in harry potter's world via magic.  Saying it couldn't fly without magic is true, but kind of obvious.  I mean, candles can't fly either but I'm not going to write an entire article about all the things at hogwarts that don't work in the real world.  Gryphons on the other hand, probably could fly, though they would probably be more house cat than lion.

#1: The hydra.

The hydra wouldn't be crushed under the weight of its own heads because that's not how snakes work.  The body doesn't support anything, the muscles in the long necks support each individual head, and it isn't just the head that regrows.  If the hydra died of anything, it would either be blood loss from replacing just a few heads, or the strain to the heart having to pump new blood to all the extra heads, unless it is also growing entirely new internal organs for each head, which I guess would be possible, it's a fucking fantasy creature.

--
The point is, if you're going to write an article this juvenile, at least use some goddamn imagination.

Also any time you copy and past something from cracked it auto adds in a link with the text.  It's neat, but what the fuck?  Seriously?