Now I know how metal gear solid fans feel.

Let's talk about shitty games for a moment.

So, I rented Condemned 2 because I enjoyed the story in the first. Now before I say anything else, when I first heard they added multiplayer to this game, my gut told me that they shit the game up big time, but I ignored my common sense (and indeed everyone else on the internet) and rented it anyways because I wanted to know what happened with the story.

And let me tell you, as a writer, and an avid reader, playing a horrible game for the sake of the story is like reading a book that upon completing a chapter, leaps from your hands and smashes you in the genitals. (see: title)

So in the first chapter I immediately know something is wrong. The x axis on the controller is smooth, but the y axis flows like Methuselah covered in tar, covered in shit. Since there's only one option to change the movement speed of all axis, you just have to live with it. Whatever, mild inconvenience.

Anyone who read my debrief on the first condemned knows that I'm not a huge fan of the major selling point, which is the horrible melee combat that the game emphasizes. Condemned 2 takes it a step further and adds combos and quick time events to the mix to further shit it up. There are literally ten or so attacks all bound in to three buttons, and God help you if you double tap attack in the frantic mess of things because it starts you into a quick time event maelstrom, which if you fail, opens you up to getting mauled by whatever you were fighting. It ends up feeling like they tried to stuff street fighter in on the same disc with FEAR.

Speaking of FEAR, just from looking at the game it's pretty obvious they built the game in the same engine, which also had melee combat which was shitty, but you didn't need to use it because THERE WERE GUNS. (fucking awesome gunplay I might add.)

Now towards the end of the game you start picking up a lot more guns, but that just takes it from horrible melee combat to horrible shooting game. Since you can only take 3-4 hits before keeling over dead, and most of your enemies have automatics, it actually makes the game LESS enjoyable.

I'm all for realism. My guy can only take a couple whacks from a baseball bat? Makes sense. My guy can only melee attack poorly? Fine, I grudgingly accept that he's not a fighting champ. My guy can't carry thousands of rounds? Makes sense. Darkening vision? Well I'm a hallucinating drunk, I guess that makes sense. Zergling type enemies that kill you in a few hits at melee range? Sure why not. All this shit at once? Fuck you! It's realistic but IT'S NOT GODDAMN FUN ANYMORE.

It ends up becoming sort of a trial and error game, which even a little kid can tell you, isn't fun. This isn't the arcade, I'm not putting quarters into my xbox. There's simply no way you're going to avoid getting mauled to death by a crackfiend in two seconds when he spawns behind you in the dark unless you've already done it! The first "run away or die" sequence is also lame and arcadeish feeling, instead of frigteningly tense and fun like it should've been.

IF YOU SPEND 90% OF THE GAME PISSED OFF YOU CAN'T GET INTO THE ATMOSPHERE OR BE SCARED.

According to the wikipedia article, SEGA only published this game, but I am convinced they had their filthy fucking hands in it. Monolith has made plenty of shitty games, but not like this. This has that arcade "hasn't progressed since 1985" feel to it that SEGA has always had.

SEGA thought that they could revitalize sonic the hedgehog by giving a hedgehog guns, so it only makes sense that someone in SEGA leaned over to a guy in monolith and said, "Hey more guns makes it better!" and they shit all over the atmosphere established in the first game. Only someone with absolutely no idea what made them popular in the first place would do what has been done to condemned 2.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, the story isn't AS bad as yahtzee says it is, though it is by no means as good as the first, or even good on its own. There is no mention of mystical cults, and you don't "shout at the end boss until his head explodes." Though everything else he says is pretty much accurate.

In summation: No pacing + No plot + No balance = No fun.

Hal

Redux

So...Interesting story. So I'm walking the dawgs down the old scout trails and I run into a nice fella walking a lab/golden retriever mix and as it turns out this guy actually had a run in with the same lady/bulldog that jumped me and widget last year. He says the dog pulled some of his dog's hair out even though it was wearing a muzzle.

Yikes.

So I come back home and I'm thinking, wow, if I hadn't had a run in with that lady maybe that dog wouldn't have been muzzled and that poor guy's dog would've been a goner.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Or maybe the sunshine after such a miserable winter is getting to me.

Hal

I'm going to restrain myself from making the obvious joke

So I beat The Force Unleashed about a week back, and I had a pretty good time with it, I mean, there's something to be said about taking a storm trooper and flicking him with the force into a barrel of explosives, and then using his burning corpse to destroy a TIE fighter mid flight. Playing it on the hardest difficulty was quite a challenge, but like most beatemups on the highest difficulty it for some reason moves away from any degree of skill into finding your enemies' weakness move and exploiting it over and over, which just ends up feeling cheap. I mean running from bad guys because it's impossible to beat them in such high numbers? WEEEAAAAAK. God of war wasn't above spamming cheapshots, but at least you didn't have to run to save your ass through half the level.

Also, the achievements for using a certain move x number of times have got to fucking stop. I varied my force power usage through 2 playthroughs and barely got any of them!

Also the storm troopers make horrible sounds when you kill them. I actually started to feel really bad for them towards the end of the game. I mean they're all just clones right? They were bred for this crap and chipped up so they couldn't do anything about it. It's not their fault. It's a necessary evil that you have to kill them yeah, but it just feels bad that you kill them so casually and so easily.

Fuckin' Jedis. Self righteous pricks.

ANYWAYS: The game was fun, but it had a few bugs, and the control was awkward. The story was better in my opinion than episode 1, 2 and 3 put together, but that's not saying much.

Also, platforming in action games is one of the most awful things that we've had to put up with since Nintendo's early days. If I wanted to platform I would play mario for fuck's sake. Most action games don't have the controls for this crap, especially FPS games, but that's another rant entirely.

Hal